Friday, June 3, 2011
This is not really a story so much as it is a remembrance with snippets of stories.
I have been a son-in-law to Ben and Peggy for 25 years and have known them for 32. We've been through many life events together: weddings, births, vacations, road trips and, of course, the tragic loss of their only daughter, Dorothy, my first wife, seven years ago.
They have always treated me as a second son and I always viewed them as a second set of parents, despite the separations of time and space that thwarted more frequent interactions between us. I take some comfort knowing that they loved me so and that they so willingly accepted my own love for them.
Most recently, my new wife, Nancy, had the opportunity to be in Tulsa on business at the end of March. Together we made arrangements so that Nancy could meet the family that she had heard so much about. I am grateful to Nancy for the courage it took to meet the family of my first wife and I am also grateful to Ben, Peggy, Matthew and Sandy for welcoming Nancy with arms wide open.
Shortly after that, or right around that time, we learned that Ben had been given a point-of-no-return prognosis. I made arrangements to get from NYC to Tulsa. Ostensibly, I was coming to "say goodbye." I had not been to Tulsa in five years, much to my chagrin, as I was rebuilding a life, my own, that had been nearly destroyed by the loss of Dorothy.
The visit was fantastic, even though the reason for it was somber and difficult. As we parted ways, I gave a nice warm hug and kiss to both. On my way out of their house, Peggy gave me a very strong hug and once again said those words: "I love you like a son." I take great comfort from that goodbye and I feel very lucky that I had the opportunity to say goodbye to both of them with love and affection. The shock of Peggy's sudden death just 10 days later is still sinking in with me...
I should add here that Dorothy loved her parents very dearly. She was very proud that Ben courageously fought and defeated his alcoholism 35 years (or more) ago. Peggy was a rock of strength for Ben and for Dorothy, and it was Peggy that Dorothy turned to in her hour of need when her own disease, cancer, took a turn for the worse in early 2004. She asked Peggy to fly in to New York to help care for her because she could see I was coming apart at the seams trying to juggle care for her, Laura (our daughter), my job, and our home.
Peggy flew in for what was supposed to be a one-month stay when Dorothy had an infection. One month later, on the day before Peggy was supposed to be flying back to Tulsa, Dorothy suffered a massive stroke. We canceled Peggy's return and I'll always be grateful for the sacrifices she made as well as the entire family - Ben, Matthew, Sandy, Kyle and Erin - so that Peggy could help out with a situation that had gone from bad to very, very bad and had become dramatically chaotic. Peggy stayed with us through Dorothy's death on August 6, 2004 and the burial, on August 12. And immediately after that, my home felt very, very empty.
I will miss Ben and Peggy very much. They shared a deep and abiding love for each other and it was evident no matter what was happening in the moment. Ben needed someone like Peggy and vice-versa. One of the miracles of love is how two people find each other and then build something truly great. They serve as an excellent example of that miracle, which now lives on in the relationship between their only son, Matthew, and his wife, Sandy.
They are all together now - Ben, Peggy, and Dorothy - reunited and watchful over all of us. I take strength from that even as I continue to share my love with Matthew and his family, who survive them.
With enduring love for those among us and those who have moved on - Bob Hallman
